📰History of Raptor Jesus

How it all started

Raptor Jesus roamed the Earth back when God Himself was still only a teenager. His execution is thought to be the cause of the extinction of the dinosaurs, as God was mad at the Romans for aiding in His son’s death. Raptor Jesus attended Michigan State University where he double majored Philosophy and Human Sexuality. Raptor Jesus went on to earn his Ph.D. in aerospace engineering at the University of Florida. Later, Raptor Jesus got bored, so he went on to receive his CPA certification in the state of New Jersey. His academic career was constantly challenged by his ladysmanship. He did become the manager at Hooters. He has retired to El Paso, Texas, where he is considering opening a crochet supply boutique with an elderly prostitute.

But from where Raptor Jesus came?

During the Mesozoic era, God went through an experimental Scales phase, similar to Picasso’s Blue period. Rather than making beings in his own image, he populated the Earth with giant lumbering reptiles. Other scriptures such as the Dead Primordial Sea scrolls suggest that God was actually a dinosaur during his teens, and was the true inspiration for Godzilla.

While known to themselves as “Giant Awesomes”, dinosaurs kept no written records, so scientists did not learn their real name until modern technology made it possible to read their fossilized minds. At first, the dinosaurs rampaged at will, eating each other, stepping on houses, and generally causing major property damage. God was forced to intervene when His mother found out about the world He had created, and ordered Him to “clean up this mess before your father gets home.”

Unwilling to enter His world, God created Raptor Jesus. Raptor Jesus’s primary role on Earth was to convert the dinosaurs from the paganistic theory of Evolution by fostering a new belief in Intelligent Design. Opponents of his theory, primarily the Romans, viciously attacked Him and His followers, condemning them to extinction via PBS and really bad singing.

Miracles

God had originally intended Raptor Jesus to simply preach to his fellow dinosaurs; however, his early doctrine consisted mostly of low production value skits and rewrites of Metallica songs. In order to impress the dinosaur brethren in higher numbers, God’s Secretary of Divine Intervention, Triceratops Goldbaum granted Raptor Jesus the ability to perform miracles with a temporary license, based on his fantastically high credit score and W-2.

The following year, Raptor Jesus overnight built an entire town of self-sustaining low income subsidized housing for his followers. He was hailed a saint by Dinosaur Greenpeace, and that night held a feast of 1,000 souls. During the feast, Raptor Jesus spat on an amputee and covered her with mud, so that she’d spawn new limbs. However, although she did grow new limbs, she remained paralyzed in all of them, after all, he was just one raptor. Raptor Jesus has also been credited with the ability to turn water into factory fresh Diet Fresca™. Further miracles are still attributed to Raptor Jesus to this day. It has been proven that people suffering from cancer who call of Raptor Jesus experience momentary feelings of health. Chuck Norris calls on Raptor Jesus to give him his strength in every roundhouse kick he performs.

Final Days

By his early twenties, God grew bored of reptiles. Raptor Jesus’ good intentions, kindness to his fellow reptiles, and impressive water walking skills had converted the entire dinosaur population. God felt that His game had gotten so effing lame that He wiped out the dinosaurs by smashing the earth with a giant asteroid PS3 (though some, primarily Raptor Gnostics, claim it was a Wii) and started over. Some have argued that it was an XBox that was actually involved in the impact, scientists claim this has been proven false as it happened so long ago that it could only be a Dreamcast. Other scholars attribute the extinction to Raptor Jesus’s environmentally friendly certification, which had low standards on the Paleozoic.

The Raptor Bible

After Raptor Jesus’ death, his teachings were collected in the Raptor Bible. It shows many of his most popular sayings, including “Grrrrrrrr” and “ROOOOOOOAAAAAAR”; as well as the most popular of all: “Grating, high-pitched screech.” It also contains prophecies of what is to come in the future of dinosaurs and Raptor Jesus, though this information is kept secret by the Lutheran Church. Copies are not available to the general public and are only open to Lutheran Church members, dinosaurs, and the guys who made Canadian bacon. They are written in hieroglyphics Jurassic German, anyhow. To quote Oviraptorosaurians 3:13, “A person cannot live on ramen alone but every word that Raptor Jesus (God) speaks. RAAAR.” There is also a fair amount of commentary on his teachings, as well as fun little poems about the big master of epic himself. To quote Utahraptors 5:e, “Raptor Jesus had a lamb, he ate it with mint jelly. And everywhere that RJ went, the lamb went in his belly.”

The final book of the Raptor Bible, Rawrvelations, was written by Raptor Jesus’s apostle, Dynasaur, after he received visions of Earth’s end times while guzzling absinthe and huffing kittens. His visions of The VelociRapture, Armageddon, and ants crawling out of his skin are all described in horrifying detail. According to scripture, Gabriel will blow his horn, and believers will raise their arms to the heavens, but their flesh will be ripped from their bones and sucked into the sky because Raptor Jesus is hungry and loves the taste of gullibility.